The Peal Back to Reveal

The peal back to reveal:  over the days, weeks into months of sobriety, I had so many moments to quietly recognize when I would have a drink.

I didn’t write it down; I didn’t tell anyone; I didn’t go to meetings— but I was looking for proof that I am an addict! I swear I have a problem. I had lost my composure. I was suffering in my buzzed state. I was hiding from things I didn’t want to see/deal with/understand.

My recovery wasn’t about 12-steps or even being sober really— it was about self discovery.

It was about getting to know who I was without the fuzz, buzz, and confusion.

Everyday, I would notice, witness my habits, my patterns and my secret coping mechanisms.

And I would choose something else.

Rather than a glass of wine with lunch, I’d  count the number of bites or chews as a way to occupy my time. Instead of a beer on a hot summer day, I’d do a quick little stretch or dance. I didn’t always choose the healthy things. My negative thinking became obsessive sometimes. Like my liver was still working through some stagnation. Sugar would have been my prime suspect BUT in this last 360 days, I have made a concerted effort to avoid sugar which is actually harder than avoiding alcohol or weed.

Sugar is in everything.

I discovered in my recovery from alcohol, the peal back and reveal was I am addicted to sugar.

Which meant the razor sharpness of everything started to feel like a little too much. Throw in a menstrual cycle, a full moon or less than restful sleep, I could really feel the creeping in of… “I need a buffer. I want a puff. I think about a sip or two…. It is not easy.

If it was easy, everyone would do it. But day by day, week by week, month by month— I just kept choosing other activities. I liked my life just fine without an alteration of my consciousness.

And more and more my clarify became so focused and clean, I wanted less and less sugar to process and I needed routines: a workout, a organized workday or a strategy to keep revealing that part of me that was more than surviving. I was thriving in a way a hang over never allowed and a happy hour didn’t always contribute to a revelation, a celebration of ME.

I revealed myself to myself softly quietly every day and congratulated myself for trying a different way.

I peeled back a layer of defensiveness and revealed a softness.

I peeled back harbored feelings and I started healing.